The If/Then Game

Note: This has nothing to do with the railroad, this is just some of my middle of the night musings.

     All women play this game, some are amateurs, some are professionals, but there aren't a whole lot of women I know that don't play to some extent.  Here is how the game works; a seemingly innocuous occurrence turns into sheer panic and we have thought through the consequences of this one event for the next several months (if you are an amateur) to next several years (if you are a professional).  I fall somewhere in the middle depending of course on what is causing me to panic.
The one thing I realized when I was musing over this topic, was that we could channel this idea into some great job opportunities.  So lets look at some circumstances and where they could lead in life. 

     The first one we will visit is the impending snow storm.  Weathermen love to do these up to sound like the end of the world, so there are a few women who will go into a panic and start the if/then game.  If the weatherman does a good enough job a man might even get into it a little.  Lets examine the difference.
Man:Hmmm IF there is a big snow storm tomorrow THEN I will be shoveling snow tomorrow. (If  the man is really concerned then he might pick up an extra 6 pack on the way home.) 

Woman :  OMG IF it snows tomorrow, THEN I will have to drive to work in it, THEN I will wreck, OMG THEN will the insurance cover the damage, IF it doesn't, THEN where will I get the money, OMG  THEN how will I get to work, IF I can't get to work THEN I will get fired!  IF I get fired, THEN how will I make the house payment!

      Notice the difference.  Now this may not send all women into a panic, and some men pride themselves in their snow removal prowess, those men however say things more like "I get to use my new snow blower"  Not the same game, they just get to play with their new toy.

     Now that example is at least a semi legitimate reason to go into full if/then mode.  Lets look at an example that may be a little more benign. Lets say you call your significant other and say, "hey I am going to stop and have a drink with some friends on the way home, I will be a little late"

Man: IF she stops for a drink, THEN I will have the house to myself when I get home.  (In this example the worst the man may think is, "dang, hope there is something microwavable in the fridge")

Woman:  IF he stops to get a drink THEN he won't be sober when he drives home, THEN he will get a DUI, OMG  IF he gets a DUI he will lose his license, THEN he will lose his job.  IF he loses his job, THEN how will he find another one without a car and with a DUI on his record. OMG IF he can't find a job, THEN we will have to sell the house!!

or perhaps this will be the Woman's reaction.

Woman:  IF he is stopping to get a drink, THEN he might meet someone, IF he meets someone, THEN he will have an affair, IF he has an affair, THEN he may divorce me, IF he divorces me, THEN the children won't have a father around to take care of them!!

Now you understand?  Now these are all examples of professional if/then-ers.  Chances are most woman fall short of getting to the sell the house part.  These little panic attacks can come from anything, a political agenda, your neighbors cat, the fast food joint they are putting in town and so on.  Most women will have these little panics, realize they are silly, and resume their normal sanity. A few will drag it out a bit longer but most never more than a day or so.  So if you are involved with a woman in any way, and she has an if/then panic, the best thing you can do is wait, silently if at all possible.  She will figure it out and go on her merry way and you will be standing there slack jawed trying to figure out what just happened and if you are in trouble for anything (If you stayed quiet, probably not) 

     So after I started thinking about this little game, I thought "wow, this would be great if we could channel it better!"  I think if we could channel this talent better we could be great civil engineers, city disaster planners, architects  etc.  Think about it; IF we build a new hospital, THEN there will be more traffic, IF there is more traffic, THEN we will need better roads, IF we put in new roads and a new hospital, THEN there will be more jobs, IF there are more jobs, THEN we will need more housing!

     IF there is a hurricane, THEN the electric will go out, IF the electric goes out, THEN people won't be able to get clean water....

     IF we put a support here, THEN we can open this wall up, IF we open this wall up, THEN we can add more counter space.....

I am sure you get the idea.


I hope you have enjoyed this installation of midnight musings, hopefully I will be back on days in December and we can go back to talking about railroading.